Why you’ll be misunderstood — and that’s OK
I’ve come to learn something that people never tell you about leadership. It’s this:
If you want to lead, or chase an important goal, you’re going to be misunderstood. And you need to be okay with that.
This came into focus for me recently when I watched this clip from Tim Grover, Michael Jordan’s coach, on the sacrifices of a great work ethic: (you may need to click the -> arrow in the image to get to the video)
Some of the sacrifices Grover mentions are obvious. But his comment about being misunderstood really jumped out to me. It’s something that comes with the territory of leadership, excellence, and being in the public eye. Yet it’s rarely acknowledged and it’s something that I had not considered in this way, even though it’s been my lived experience for more than twenty years.
I’ve felt misunderstood (and even misrepresented) many times in my life. One example: In my training days, it was hard for other people to understand that I had a singular goal. All I wanted most was to win. Nothing else could come close. Sure, I had other priorities but they were all second and beyond because my goal — the thing my entire life revolved around — was to win an Olympic Gold Medal. I had some friends and girlfriends take this personally; they took my actions as a comment on how I viewed them. But what they might have perceived as a lack of interest, “being an asshole”, or judgment on my part had nothing to do with them. I was just 100% committed to my goal; I cared about it more than anything else.
As I’ve gone through different chapters of my life and career, I’ve also racked up plenty of misunderstandings, and I’ve simply had to learn that it comes with the territory. It took me a while to get that. In my early days on the USOPC Board and growing Classroom Champions, I agonized over it. I wanted people to see things from my perspective, and understand where I was coming from so we could move forward with common understandings. What I didn’t realize was that at times that simply wasn’t going to happen - they were going to misunderstand my intent even as I sought to establish clarity of intention because they ultimately weren’t going to be on the same page as me no matter what. The reality can be much different than the fantasy.
In retrospect, I was “wrong” on some of the topics of discussion and “right” on some of it. But being wrong or right is something I’d been ok with long before - but being misunderstood, especially in my intentions, pained me to my core.
It drove me to be combative, and it was a key element in driving my depression.
Fortunately, with time, experience, and confidence this need has softened. I’ve come to learn that other people will naturally take it upon themselves to interpret you and your actions as a story about themselves. Because that’s what we do as humans: we see things through our own lens. We tend to take things personally. It’s hard to see beyond ourselves, so we naturally make other things and other people about “us”.
When you’re a leader holding someone accountable - with the intention that it will make them better at their job and or make the company better - you can be misunderstood to be a hardass. Regardless of delivery.
If, as a leader, you’re giving someone a little more breathing room to complete assignments because you’ve been helping them work through related issues - you can be misunderstood as being soft.
I’ve made peace with this fact. You don’t have to change other people’s opinion of you. You can accept that you might be misunderstood, but if you feel good about what you’re doing and how you’re showing up, that’s what matters. And that’s the behavior you’ll want to repeat because in the long-term it will both create the results you’re looking for and you will sleep well at night knowing you’re doing what you can.
Final piece of advice here: If you want to take this a step further and get more comfortable with being understood, try out Mel Robbins’ “Let Them Theory”. I wish I had listened to this years ago when I was beating my head against the wall trying to get other people to understand me.
The punch line is: if people misunderstand you, let them. And keep on doing your thing.
- Steve
